So many possible (good) changes

There really are so many possible good changes coming up for me: the possibility of finishing my B.A. via independent study (waiting on my acceptance letter), the possibility of getting out of this rut I’ve been in since my awful Risperdall/Fanapt med change by upping the Fanapt. I’m on a really low dose of Fanapt, so it’s a good possibility for change. I was so nervous from the shock of the med change itself (the six weeks after) the last time I saw my psychiatrist that I wasn’t ready emotionally to try anything else.

I may not be getting my Utah geography correctly, but I think this photo is of the light coming down in a slot canyon (?) in Utah. In any case, I know the places even if I don’t know the terminology, and the simple terminology for it is beauty: with God’s creations and his light shining down. Some days I may be (theoretically) down in one of these slot canyons and even though it’s beautiful, I feel so stuck and alone, until I find a way out; often with help. I feel like I’m getting there. I feel like, even though it’s been hard the past couple months feeling like I have no “good days” physically and I’m only feeling “okay” on some evenings, at least I know there’s more to try and I do feel deep down in my bones and my gut or however you might say it that things are looking up.

I do need to get through some difficult things with my family first, but by a month from now that should all be taken care of. Now I just need to say a prayer that I find a way down to CA and have the money to see my kids during the time when it’s convenient for their summer schedule.

I am feeling  positive. This will work out. And I still need a lot of patience!

Weak and Tired

I’m still feeling weak. You could say I haven’t had any “good days” (physically) like I had before my med change. My therapist said today that it probably is anxiety that’s weighing me down. I tried to take a long walk yesterday and was fine for most of it, but towards the end I kept having the urge to just lean up against something and take a nap.

I’m still on a low dose of Fanapt, so I can ask my psychiatrist to up my medication to see if that helps.

PTSD and a day in May

My nightmares haven’t been as bad the past couple weeks: in fact I think I went a whole week without any. I still have intense dreams without the nightmares, but I can live with those.

I am feeling rather weak and I’m not sure why. My sleep schedule has been way off and I suspect that as the culprit. When I can’t sleep at night, I turn on General Conference (LDS Church) and listen to it. I haven’t had much exercise and perhaps that’s made me weaker.

I’m applying to finish my BYU Bachelor of General Studies degree (independent study) and I think that’s helped give me more empowered dreams. I’m really excited about it. In the past three years I’ve had trouble and writing and reading more serious subject books due to problems with focus and being “foggy-brained” but I think maybe I can do it now if I pace myself. When I was on campus, I had to go full time, and that was a no-go. I think writing two blogs has helped ameliorate my issues with perfectionism, so hopefully now I can just put my thoughts down on paper and get papers written. I’ve struggled for years with the fear that I’ll never be able to finish school and support myself.

I’ve also been a bit bored despite having projects to do, and my therapist sees that as a sign that I’m getting better. Now I just need more normal sleep and more exercise. It’s beautiful out there today: can’t wait to get out.

Spring

Despite having allergies, spring has always been my favorite season. It’s especially so here in Utah. I’ve been here almost five years, but all the new (to me) plants and trees and flowers haven’t lost their novelty. I love their connection as symbols of Easter and the resurrection as well.

Things are going along about as usual. Spring and spending time with others is making it easier to bear. I had really good dreams this morning as a nice change. In my dream I had some kind of job as someone’s assistant. We shared a big office and my desk and surrounding area had a lot of charm. I knew that somewhere nearby my daughter was at school and my son was away at college and all was well. The dream repeated a bit later and I was a graphic designer, which is way outside my range of talent, but it was a fun addition to the dream.

I’m going to cling to memories of the good dream and see them as a sign that I’m feeling hope in my future when it comes to my anxiety. In the meantime, I have more to work on with eating a bigger variety of foods, and two doctor’s appointments coming up where I get to talk about some unpleasant things I’ve been dealing with. Since I’m on Medicaid now, my insurance situation has changed, which I thought meant that I could get a doctor closer to where I am now. However, all the doctors here in Orem had wait lists several months long for Medicaid patients, so I’ll need to go to a different city. I found one near the local bus line, though, so I still think it will be easier.

There are a lot of things to be grateful for, and today I’m grateful that I am feeling the gratitude.

Bad day

I have no idea where it came from (I often don’t) but I had nightmares and intense dreams all morning and didn’t wake up until almost 4pm. I’m grateful to be awake. These are the days when I don’t want to close my eyes because I think I might fall asleep again and I don’t want to.

The dreams weren’t the worst I could have (in fact I had some me as a superhero dreams) but I was struggling to wake up and “trying to get home” and other common themes for me. Time to write about them in my journal. It seems to help.

And yes, I went to bed at a normal time last night. C’est la vie.

Still Better

It’s been two months since the start of my med changes, and I’m finally feeling back to “normal.”  In the last few days, the last of the unpleasant side-effects of the changes has tapered down. I’m still feeling more tired than before, but I’ve been making it out every other day or more, which is a huge improvement. Tonight I was able to walk three miles with a friend. I’ve been doing my dumbbell exercises throughout, but I still think my arms feel wimpier than they did two months ago, but I believe that will get back to normal. I’m most excited about the pretty effortless three mile walk. I’ll be trying my dance workout from YouTube again. 🙂

Success!

I did it! I stayed up all day yesterday and went to bed last night at 7pm. I just couldn’t make it any longer than that. I slept really well and woke up at about 8 this morning, and made it to church for the first time in 5 weeks! (This medication change really stunk.)

It’s almost 7pm here now and I’m wanting to go to sleep, but I’m going to keep myself awake a while longer. But…my days and nights are back! Let’s hope it stays that way. 🙂

Adventures in my off-kilter schedule

Couldn’t sleep last night (no surprise after 16 fitful hours the night before). I fell asleep around 10am and slept until 7pm. I was miserable this morning, so trying to stay awake all day didn’t seem like a good idea.

A generous friend took me to the grocery store because I really needed it and trying to walk there tonight didn’t seem like a good idea. I missed another church activity tonight, but that’s life. There will be more. I’ve been invited to something tomorrow night and I’m determined to go.

This will pass somehow. I’m sure my anxiety is just keeping me from being able to flip my days and nights back. It would help if I wasn’t alternating a normal eight hour sleep and a fitful 16 hr. sleep. We’ll see how things go.

More Springtime Recovery

I’m so happy that it’s spring. I really wanted to go for a walk today because it was so beautiful outside, but every time I stood up I felt discombobulated. I also have a head tremor today. 😛 I’m working to get my days and nights back to normal (more on that in a bit), and I’m sure that’s a large part of why I’m so “off.”

So, my latest attempt at day/night normalization:
(It’s currently Thursday evening.)
-On Wednesday morning, after being up all night, I decided to once again stay up all day. We had a Relief Society (church women’s organization) activity Wednesday night and I figured that if I could stay awake, I’d have that as a reward. Plus, I miss getting out something terrible. Add Spring Fever and there you go…
-I don’t remember what I did all day yesterday (Wednesday) but it involved a lot of Hulu, Netflix, and putting away laundry.
-By about 1pm I just.wanted.sleep, so I turned on General Conference (it relaxes me) and lay down. Happily and for my own good, I didn’t fall asleep. My body was a jittery mess. I’ve never had coffee, but I imagine that maybe this is what your body feels like when you haven’t had your caffeine?
-By 3:30ish I was feeling like I could go to sleep, but I figured if I could just hold out until 6, it would be close to a normal bedtime and maybe I’d even feel up to the activity.
-By 6 I wanted to go to the activity, but when I’d stand up it wasn’t good. I let it go until 7pm, then I crawled in bed and fell immediately asleep.
-At around 7am I woke up briefly, but my body was in full anxiety panic attack mode and I couldn’t move, so I went back to sleep.
-I woke up again around 11am. I spent the next two hours, until 1pm, in a nightmare and unable to lift my head but wanting badly to be awake. It was one of those “trying to find my bedroom” nightmares again where things kept stopping me from getting home. At 1pm I opened my eyes and decided there had to be some way to get up. Sitting up took all my willpower and I sat there for a long time, shaking my head and rubbing my eyes and reminding myself that the nightmare was over.

So, hopefully I can fall asleep tonight. I managed to go for a walk! About 1/4 mile in I was thinking that I should just go home, but a McDouble at McDonald’s later I decided to try a bit farther. It was pretty iffy, but I got out! And spring is here!! There were bulbs poking their leaves out everywhere. Soon there will be tulips galore. There was a bush full of singing little birds, and at one neighbor’s the daffodils were already blooming! I love spring here so much. And as usual, the mountains were there. No matter what day it is, they always seem to look a little different, and they’re always majestic.

 

 

Recovering!

It’s been 5 or 6 weeks now since the medication change (Risperdal to Fanapt) and I’m finally feeling human. I think that after the withdrawals left, I must have been struggling with sleepiness associated with Fanapt. I’m still struggling to get my sleep schedule back to normal, but at least I’m only sleeping 8 to 10 hours a night instead of up to 18. I’m also still waking up partway through my sleep with awful shakiness that doesn’t always go away once I’m fully “rested.”

I feel like my mind may be more clear than when I was on Risperdal. I’m also not certain, but suspicious that my eyesight may have been affected by it the same way it was when on Geodon and one other med.

My nightmares are indeed “clearer,” and when I write them in my journal (like I’ve been doing for years) I feel like they make more sense to me than they did before. Cautious optimism here. 🙂

My decision today is, once again, whether after not sleeping last night if I want to try to stay awake all day or to give up and get some sleep. The staying awake method hasn’t been working well, with the big exception of when I need to go somewhere I can get there. I don’t have anywhere to go today and I can’t think of anything that will keep me awake. If I try to exercise I will probably trip over my own feet and hit my head on something. Challenge to be continued. I’ve been here many times before and I’ve always gotten through it.