Tag Archives: church

I made it through church!

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church-157216_640I made it through all three hours of church! For those of you who aren’t familiar with LDS culture, we have three meetings every Sunday which add up to three hours in total. Mornings are often hard for me, and I haven’t made all three hours in about a month. Church is important to me both for the spiritual aspects and because (admittedly) it cuts down on the feelings of isolation I get from so much time at home. Sometimes I get there and realize I’m just really tired and that the noise and “crowd” of people is too much: at those times I’m on sensory overload.

This past month it’s been more that I’ve had tremors, though. Whatever the case, I’m glad that I made it.

A tremulous day

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weeping-willow-507336_640The full body tremors that I get from my PTSD are not one of the worst things I have to deal with, but they are inconvenient. I knew last night when I went to bed that I was over-tired, and sure enough, after about 8 hours of sleep I got out of bed shaking inside and out like a leaf, and my head bobbing slowly, and there didn’t seem to be much I could do about it other than get back in bed and try to relax and sleep some more. I woke up at intervals to listen to old Conference talks and BYU devotionals. Yesterday morning it was about 15 chapters of 3 Nephi. I don’t know how much I retain, but I do seem to retain themes, and I can always listen to them again. For over ten years these are the only kinds of things that have helped bring down my anxiety levels in the middle of the night.

On the blessing/could be worse side, when I have tremors durign the day and need to sleep, the nightmares seems to get better instead of worse. It’s not like when I’m dealing with feeling paralyzed and attached to my bed. Yes, it could be worse.

I’ve had two weeks of the on and off body shaking. Today was a bummer because it was a Sunday and it didn’t end until around 6pm. I was pretty useless

This article in the Ensign/Liahona on Patience seems to have been written just for me recently.
Patience: More Than Waiting

Another thing on the patience continuum: when I go through weeks like this, I need more patience with what seem to be like endless peanut putter sandwiches. My mind is on the lower end of the abilities continuum and I freeze when in the kitchen.

Meh

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time-371226_640And another bad week. More nightmares almost every morning, into the afternoon every single day except maybe one. Have done some more journaling/DBT but need to do more. Missed my therapy appointment on Friday because of it. Here’s to things getting better. The nightmares could be worse: they’re mostly annoying and not the most scary ones. They definitely give me an indication as to what is bothering me. One of this morning’s is almost funny now, it just didn’t feel that way during it: all these people were dancing in my living room for some kind of Sunday morning club, and I couldn’t get around them to get to my room or the shower so that I could get ready for church. My roommate’s clock on the wall had an earlier time than it really was (only 10:30am) so I was feeling like I could get ready on time if people would just get out of the way. There was a lot more to it, as there always is. My closet had a lot of old clothes in it, and as I’d grab something that would fit, it would change into something else. That’s a recurring theme in my dreams, too. Babies kept appearing that needed their mothers, so I’d have to stop getting ready and look for their parents. And that was only a small part of the morning’s nightmares.

Hard day/Good day

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face-640435_640Today has not been a good day. I don’t know if it’s because I found out yesterday that a friend (who was young) passed away unexpectedly, but I wasn’t able to wake up completely until about 5:30 pm and had nightmares all day long and last night. They woke me up partway into the night. I was twitching most of the day while asleep and it feels like my body just won’t stop shaking. I was going to go to a Relief Society activity (women’s group at church) tonight that I’ve been looking forward to, but I’m not sure I feel up to it. Every noise outside my bedroom door makes me jump, no matter how normal. My roommate spent a lot of the morning singing, and it was helpful because it was happy, but it didn’t stop the shaking or the nightmares that I went in and out of. I did manage to get up in the early morning and turn on a BYU Devotional. General Conference talks and devotionals help calm me down and feel more connected to hope and reality. I also listen to scriptures, but I wish there was an easier way to listen to each chapter one after the other without having to get up. You know, like back when I owned a cassette player.
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So, I ended up going to the activity after all. I threw something on, didn’t have on any makeup (not the end of the world, I learned a long time ago) and went with a couple of friends. One of them has a nice, big loud voice, but it didn’t bother me. Always grateful for the small things. Maybe I’m making progress in some areas. When we got there, my shaking hadn’t stopped or even let up at all. My head was still bobbing. I’m not sure I’ve actually left the house on purpose with that still going on, but I was hoping that it would stop. Eventually it did, but it took a while. I hadn’t even told a friend that I wasn’t feeling well, but she leaned over to me and said, “Do you need me to take you home? Are you sure?” When my body is doing this, I feel a bit like I’m 93 instead of 43. Tonight that thought was a little humorous to me.

We shared books (fiction or non-fiction, children’s or young adult or for adults, etc.) and I was near the end of the order because of where I was sitting in the circle. I managed okay. I had sort of hoped that I could go earlier so that I didn’t have to sit there worrying about my ability to be able to speak, but I was okay. Afterwards, though, I struggled. One person was having a hard time hearing me, which meant that my anxiety was making it hard to speak up. Another time I was able to speak up, but my ability to come up with the right very simple words just left me.

So was it a good idea to go? I don’t know. It was wonderful to be out and to get to talk about one of my favorite things with others (books, reading). Seeing the slightly uncomfortable looks on the faces of people who don’t know me as well and haven’t been around me much, when I struggled with speaking etc., brought back bad memories of when I was so terrified to be around other people when even the smallest things with my health went wrong in public. But tonight they rallied back and talked with me again anyway. I did sit down when I knew that my ability to concentrate and function was getting worse. I don’t mind sitting by myself when I need to recover, and I don’t mind it in general, but it was a little embarrassing when someone else thought that maybe I needed some company. But isn’t it amazing that I’m around so many people who want to worry whether others need company or not?

chapel north salt lakeI don’t know if I’ll try this again very often (going out when I’m really, really unsure of my ability to function). I definitely wouldn’t try it when I’m by myself. If I hadn’t been with a good friend who is familiar with my symptoms and what I’m like, there’s no way I would have gone. I did the same thing on Sunday and went to church and had to sit in the hall for everything but our nice and small Sunday School class. (Our ward has multiple small Sunday School classes rather than one or two large ones.) I felt like I didn’t get much out of it doctrinally, but hey, I got to take the sacrament, and I felt the Spirit. I really felt like I got less out of it than the years spent chasing my kids around the building when they were small. Concentrating on much of anything was just pretty much impossible. But, a couple of people I confided in said, “yes, but you were here! Wasn’t that great?” So, I’d prefer that every Sunday I would be there and that I’d be feeling well, able to participate, help others out, and maybe even get something out of it….which I usually do. But feeling the Spirit ain’t bad.