There really are so many possible good changes coming up for me: the possibility of finishing my B.A. via independent study (waiting on my acceptance letter), the possibility of getting out of this rut I’ve been in since my awful Risperdall/Fanapt med change by upping the Fanapt. I’m on a really low dose of Fanapt, so it’s a good possibility for change. I was so nervous from the shock of the med change itself (the six weeks after) the last time I saw my psychiatrist that I wasn’t ready emotionally to try anything else.
I may not be getting my Utah geography correctly, but I think this photo is of the light coming down in a slot canyon (?) in Utah. In any case, I know the places even if I don’t know the terminology, and the simple terminology for it is beauty: with God’s creations and his light shining down. Some days I may be (theoretically) down in one of these slot canyons and even though it’s beautiful, I feel so stuck and alone, until I find a way out; often with help. I feel like I’m getting there. I feel like, even though it’s been hard the past couple months feeling like I have no “good days” physically and I’m only feeling “okay” on some evenings, at least I know there’s more to try and I do feel deep down in my bones and my gut or however you might say it that things are looking up.
I do need to get through some difficult things with my family first, but by a month from now that should all be taken care of. Now I just need to say a prayer that I find a way down to CA and have the money to see my kids during the time when it’s convenient for their summer schedule.
I am feeling positive. This will work out. And I still need a lot of patience!
I’m a little grumpy today. As per doctor’s orders, I tapered off the second pill of Risperdall and I’m now only on Fenapt. My body is still adjusting. There is somewhere I would have liked to have gone today and there is something I will probably miss tomorrow. For some reason I’m not feeling the social isolation of about 10 days unable to do much other than two grocery store visit thanks to friends. I’ve been blessed with my visiting teachers calling and stopping by, and the Relief Society President just called me again. Last week a good friend came and visited for a while. So, there’s my answer. I know people care. One roommate did my dishes for me a few days ago and the other one took out the trash. That’s usually my job. Then there are the visits on the phone with my kids…
Repeating to myself: this will be over soon.
Gilmore Girls reruns and hours of listening to General Conference and BYU Devotionals (I also fall asleep to those) have been helpful too. I really don’t know how people handled this sort of thing 20 or 30 years ago. Lots of bad tv? 😉 A nice big window where you can just watch people and nature? I love the view out my window, but it couldn’t entertain me 24/7.
Possibly boring stuff: all on medication
I’ve been through a lot of medication changes and they’re never fun, but switching from Risperdal to Fenapt this past week has been the most challenging change since Paxil to Effexor more than ten years ago. I’m halfway through the change. My doctor had me swap one pill a day for a week: then tomorrow it will start swapping the other pill, and thus the complete switch to Fenapt and no more Risperdal. So why the chance? Risperdal was working great at eliminating my nightmares (along with the Prazosin that I also take) and making my days feel more like “normal” days where I can actually get up most every morning. But Risperdal made me gain 40 pounds. And yes, when a psychiatric med “makes” you gain weight, your brain chemistry actually changes and you feel like you’re hungry 24/7. I fought it pretty hard, but I was waking up hungry in the middle of the night. So, Fenapt is the new choice. I need to study up more on Fenapt. I’ve only given it a cursory, “looks safe, won’t make me gain weight.” (Just 4 days into going off Risperdal I could tell a marked difference in how much less an appetite I had.)
In any case, this being only the second worst medication change I’ve had (maybe third….it’s been too long) is because, once upon a time, I had to go off Paxil while I had two small children to take care of. I will never, ever take Paxil again because going off it was a nightmare. I couldn’t keep myself awake and I was dizzy 24/7 and only felt safe when my head was on my pillow. Their dad ended up having to care for them for more than his share, which I never liked. I like my share with my kids. But they’re better off safe: I knew that. Wasn’t easy on him, but that’s water under the bridge.
This time around it’s mostly the immense fatigue and disorientation/dizziness. The first two days after the change my anxiety skyrocketed and I was sleeping in my bed clutching my magic Koosh ball which lovingly lets me squeeze the heck out of it. I had to miss singing in church. People were kind and my friend M brought me McDonald’s, and my new roommate A let me go with her to Walmart for groceries. I missed my therapist appointment on Friday but got to make up for it on Monday. I felt so proud of myself, getting there in the 20-ish degree weather, and even more so for getting home in the 22 degree weather plus wind. The wind was killer with those temperatures: the ride and walk down was pleasant, the ride and walk back with the wind was the coldest I’ve been since moving to Utah I think. The wind will get you every time. But: I am a studmuffin. I made it through.
So I have nothing exciting to talk about. It’s med changes and I’ll keep praying that the transition goes smoothly and that it doesn’t get to me so much emotionally that I end up in a heap on my bed for the rest of my life. Nope, odds are against that…I think.
It’s Thursday. I just off the phone with my 14yo daughter who is, as usual for this time of night, busy with her homework. Life keeps moving.
My life view has been more optimistic since being approved for disability. I’m not even sure I blogged about that! It was such a weird feeling: relief, but still with the unknown financial aspect that was finally communicated to me this last week. I was so happy, and the worst was behind me, but…there was that 60 day window they had to figure out what I’d get. I also was unsure as to when: so was my lawyer. Lots of big possible time frames. I am so grateful that this is all done and behind me. I’m also grateful for the “little people” at Social Security whose job it is to do this sort of thing. Sounds like a lot of stress to me.
So, as getting around in the cold was the theme of my last post, so it is with this one. Thankfully I haven’t had to deal with the cold, biting wind again since then. It’s been cold, but without medication issues and without the wind it’s actually possible for me to walk around in the cold and even sort of like it. The past two days I did a lot of errands getting on and off the bus and walking distances of up to 1 1/2 miles/time. I’ve been feeling pretty well this week. Today I really needed to rest from it, but I’m so happy with my ability to get out and get some things done. I think that when it comes to my morale, having snow on the ground makes me happy and somehow makes it easier than just the cold without the snow, even if there isn’t a lot of it. It also helps that there are Christmas decorations everywhere. So much more cheerful.
So I’m feeling extra grateful today. Today was a clear-cut “need to rest” and also a day where I felt like I could pat myself on the back for having done some semi-hard things during the past two weeks. I still don’t know for sure if I’ll be able to get a car with my disability back pay, and to be honest I do still have my hopes up. But….I’m getting around. I’ve been feeling kind of cut off from life again the past week or two, but with the coming holidays there are a lot of things planned, so I’ll be able to get out again.