….and downs (but the ups are around the corner somewhere)


Last Sunday through Thursday went really well. Unusually well. It was great. I was grateful. Still some nightmares, but overall better sleep than usual that lasted through more nights than usual, and I was able to get up in the morning with little trouble (more like normal people….does anyone have absolutely no trouble getting up?)  😉

Friday morning I had pretty bad anxiety and couldn’t wake up, but I was able to wake up enough to call and let my therapist’s office know I wouldn’t make it.

Saturday was pretty good.

Yesterday (Sunday) and today were both bad. I’m still shaking inside pretty badly. Both mornings I couldn’t wake up and had a lot of nightmares about trying to get home and people were trying to prevent me from doing so, and I kept trying to wake up and see the “real” wall to my bedroom, but was stuck other places. In the nightmares I was having trouble getting out of bed and then struggling to move around and stand up and find where I was going. These are recurring nightmares with similar themes but that are always slightly different.

Haven’t had to try and talk to anyone out loud yet today. I missed church yesterday but made it to a dinner group. Some friends had a singalong and even though I wasn’t 100%, I played the piano for a few songs. I could tell that I was struggling: my mind just went blank a few times and I hit wrong notes or forgot where I was, but I picked right back up. Others probably figured that I missed some notes. No big deal. I almost asked the other pianist if she could trade back, but then it was time for me to leave anyway.

So my job today, and for as long as this lasts (I should be doing this every day) is to be writing down my thoughts so I can figure out what is bothering me. I’m so grateful to have so many people around me who don’t judge me when I’m not doing well and it gets more obvious. My hands are shaking more than usual, but I think I’ll still be able to go to “home evening” tonight.



About pickleclub1971

I'm a single mom of 2: a Southern CA native, who transplanted to Utah 4 years ago. I have one 18 year old who is off to the Ivy League, and one 14 year old who is in high school. I served an LDS Mission to Southern France and I’ve also lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, Idaho, Northern Arizona, and New Hampshire. I love 80’s music, classical music, choral music, playing the piano, singing, speaking what French I still remember, and talking about history and music with whomever will listen. I love that my kids are better at math than I was at their age. (But they still get frequent historical references from me…anyone familiar with Ducky from NCIS? He’s that kind of medical examiner, I’m that kind of mom.) My kids also think I know all the lyrics to all the songs from the 80’s, mainly because I’m good at making them up and faking it when I don’t know. Sometimes they catch me. I’m currently disabled with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I want to get better (of course) and be an advocate for trauma survivors and others with mental illnesses. I like people in general. I suffer from the delusion that I can make everyone my friend, but of course that isn’t possible: but I still believe that the world can be a better place.

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