I’m super emotional, and my brain is gone 34% of the time.

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This post will be pretty random. As I’ve learned more about my PTSD and the tools I can use to get through it and actually hopefully I hope heal, like BYU Devotional I read recently, healing does hurt. And like the handout they give everyone whose dealing with post-trauma at the clinic I go to, our thoughts and emotions during trauma are like memories (as clothes) getting stuffed into a closet too quickly, and we need to go through those memories and get things put back in the right place.

So, here is this “hindered thinking” that I have that makes the recall of names and grammar and other things that would normally be a lot easier…and my doctor confirmed to me today that those with anxiety have their mind going and going and it’s like white noise everywhere and it’s hard to sort that from conversations you’re having in real time.

And my emotions?? All over the place. I have never been known as a person with a temper. I’m generally an optimist and seen as one. I’m a social butterfly. Suddenly I want to cry in the middle of a rehearsal…just leave for a while and find a spot to figure out what’s wrong. I struggle through games because the noise is still there and I have to try to hyper-focus to keep up on what is going on. Supposedly I have a high IQ (if those things matter) but it may help me appear intelligent from time to time, but other times I’m making no sense. It’s as if I took my Ambien a few hours too early…..almost. Or as if someone took a whole bunch of emotions and stirred them in a big industrial sized pot and pulled one giant one out at a time, seconds before pulling out ten more. emotions-401406_640

Two good devotional links:

October 08, 2002
BYU Devotional Learning the
Healer’s Art, Elaine Marshall

 

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About pickleclub1971

I'm a single mom of 2: a Southern CA native, who transplanted to Utah 4 years ago. I have one 18 year old who is off to the Ivy League, and one 14 year old who is in high school. I served an LDS Mission to Southern France and I’ve also lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, Idaho, Northern Arizona, and New Hampshire. I love 80’s music, classical music, choral music, playing the piano, singing, speaking what French I still remember, and talking about history and music with whomever will listen. I love that my kids are better at math than I was at their age. (But they still get frequent historical references from me…anyone familiar with Ducky from NCIS? He’s that kind of medical examiner, I’m that kind of mom.) My kids also think I know all the lyrics to all the songs from the 80’s, mainly because I’m good at making them up and faking it when I don’t know. Sometimes they catch me. I’m currently disabled with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I want to get better (of course) and be an advocate for trauma survivors and others with mental illnesses. I like people in general. I suffer from the delusion that I can make everyone my friend, but of course that isn’t possible: but I still believe that the world can be a better place.

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