I actually would prefer it if this blog wasn’t so negative. I usually feel like I’m a positive person. I guess that the subject matter would lend itself to the negative, but hopefully my sense of humor will peek in every now and then! I have many, many blessings in my life that somehow end up making up for all of this. First and foremost would be my children, then other family, friends, good roommates, friends at church and opportunities to serve. I could go on.
I am sleeping less again since the medication change. I’m glad that much of the sleepiness has been wearing off, but I’m still sleeping more than when I was first put on sleep meds a few months ago.
One irony that I’ll have to speak with my doctor about is that since he upped my nightmare medication, the nightmares are still there. So, with my past two med changes, this is how it’s gone so far:
1.Got prescribed Ambien, nightmares mostly go away.
2.After a few months, they come back, but not as bad.
3.He ups my Prazosin and puts me on another anti-anxiety med, I start sleeping about 18 hours a day at first. The nightmares do not go away and seem to last longer.
4.After a few weeks, I’m sleeping less, but still more than when I first got put on Ambien.
5.Also, I’m feeling more lethargic, but that could be due to the cold weather kicking in!
I have quite a few repeating themes in my dreams and nightmares. Last night’s/this morning’s included a lot of them.
One of them, that I’ve had at least since I was a teenager, is that I can’t speak or move very well, but no one seems to care (or at the very least, they just don’t notice, or think it’s no big deal) and some get very annoyed and tell me to just stand up and get out of the way. (I’m often crawling because I’m too out of it to walk in these nightmares.) If I manage to speak at all, they yell at me that this is evidence that I’m okay and, again, tell me to get out of the way. This often involves being in a school yard, lost, or in the middle of a sports practice or game and I can’t seem to get out of the way. Once I manage to get out of the field, I can’t remember where home is or where I’m going, or I realize that I’m supposed to be in a class that I don’t know how to get to without going back through the field. My nightmares and dreams are frequently so vivid and lifelike that it is difficult to tell if I’m awake or not. I’m often trying to get back to my real life and wake myself up, but instead the scene will change, or I’ll wake up in yet another place. I can feel the textures and see all the colors and feel what is going on.
Dreams and nightmares that are that vivid may seem fun, but they’re tiring. The ones that are the most tiring are when I’m trying to wake up. Usually during those dreams, for some reason I’m trying to get back to Utah, where I live now. Sometimes I’ll wake up a little and see a glimpse of my bedroom wall or my alarm clock, but I feel very shaky and glued to my bed and my subconscious pulls me back in.
Some of this may not sound too bad, but my nightmares sometimes involve me getting stabbed repeatedly, a gang of people after me with guns while I’m trying to take care of babies and other orphans, confrontations with the gang where a gun is being pointed right at me, and once again, I feel a huge adrenaline rush of fear as if it were really happening. I’ve been raped in my nightmares, gang-raped, and more frequently chased by others.
Last night one part of my nightmare that’s another common theme was that I had to get from one building to another, and I kept having to walk along a busy street where, because I was so disoriented, I kept accidentally walking into the street into incoming traffic. A policeman got angry with me instead of wondering what was wrong. I also have nightmares where I’m trying to cross the street and either the green light is only a few seconds, or I’m so tired and slow that I can’t make it very far across. In last night’s, I also got stopped by a corrupt judge who was making up lies about me haven stolen something or being an escaped convict. Thankfully there were a few people nearby who said they were willing to testify that this judge was lying. The judge was a friend of the police officer.
Getting a little tired of the details? I understand. And this was only a very small portion of what I dreamed last night. It also involved trouble finding my cell phone, finally hearing it ring and not being able to talk to the person on the other end, people throwing darts with long, sharp tips (an inch and a half, not sure why that was the length and why I remembered) that would hit me and there wasn’t anywhere I could go where these “dart games” weren’t being played on either side of me.
As you can imagine, stress tends to bring on worse nightmares. I’m getting anxious about the holidays, about finding a way home to spend time with my kids for Christmas, and especially about my upcoming disability hearing that I’ll only have two weeks’ notice for. I’ve been waiting almost two years for this hearing, and if I don’t get accepted for disability, I really don’t know what I’ll do. Which is pointless to worry about right now, but even though I don’t think about it during the day, I’m sure it’s making it’s way into my subconscious.