Why did I want to do this again?


This morning I woke up and realized that I’d told friends about this blog last night: quite a few people, in fact. Last night it felt like a good idea, and maybe a little brave. This morning it didn’t seem like a good idea anymore. An anonymous audience is so much safer.

Warning: this post is a bit random.

We had ward choir practice this morning, and a kind friend gave me a ride, and the opening hymn gave me some unexpected comfort in lines I’d forgotten about:

Do what is right; be faithful and fearless
Onward, press onward the goal is in sight
Eyes that are wet now ere long will be tearless
Blessings await you in doing what’s right

Do what is right; the shackles are falling.
Chains of the bondsmen no longer are bright;
Lightened by hope, soon they’ll cease to be galling.
Truth goeth onward; then do what is right!

I’m not sure what part of what I’m doing is “right” and what part is ridiculous, but I’m trying.

Good thing: several friends mentioned they’d read my blog and “what a great idea it was.”
And, “writing things out is such great therapy.” Yeah, for the whole world. Thankfully only a very small percentage knows I’m the one writing it. 😉

*Weirdest part: my best friend, who I first met back in 1990, read my first two posts and said she didn’t realize how bad things were. (Are they that bad? Do I know any different?) And wanted to know if she could cook for me. (I think I’m okay.) Apparently people really have no idea what I go through. This explains a lot. This is not the first time this has happened to me recently.

The part where I’d had enough for the day (current new meds are making me less anxious, but sleepy all the time): when someone said “There’s a Linger Longer today!” (That’s a thing where Mormons, especially single Mormons, meet after church and eat food and are supposed to socialize.) So, in my head: “Oh no, linger longer.” That’s when I should socialize (people who know me are now thinking…..she doesn’t like to socialize? What??!!). I just did not feel like it today. In fact, I frequently am “done” and want to go home by “linger longer.”  Thankfully, some of those who are the most gentle with me when I’m in a “struggling” kind of mood talked with me. Had I gone home without talking with anyone, I would have been mad at myself. I need the socialization. It just doesn’t always show up in the way I’d like it to. Does it ever, when you’re struggling with grumpy?

Hmm, takeaway from this post? My weekend was actually okay, and I got to talk with my teenage son for a while yesterday, too. But just because I tell myself and I really think that Sunday is going to be okay when it comes to my mood, doesn’t mean it will.

In another post, I will try to tackle what it’s like to go through major medication changes. (Makes me grumpy, but in a different way than I was already grumpy.) You may be able to tell from this post some of the major blessings I have (kids, kind friends, a good community) and I am not usually this negative.


About pickleclub1971

I'm a single mom of 2: a Southern CA native, who transplanted to Utah 4 years ago. I have one 18 year old who is off to the Ivy League, and one 14 year old who is in high school. I served an LDS Mission to Southern France and I’ve also lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, Idaho, Northern Arizona, and New Hampshire. I love 80’s music, classical music, choral music, playing the piano, singing, speaking what French I still remember, and talking about history and music with whomever will listen. I love that my kids are better at math than I was at their age. (But they still get frequent historical references from me…anyone familiar with Ducky from NCIS? He’s that kind of medical examiner, I’m that kind of mom.) My kids also think I know all the lyrics to all the songs from the 80’s, mainly because I’m good at making them up and faking it when I don’t know. Sometimes they catch me. I’m currently disabled with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I want to get better (of course) and be an advocate for trauma survivors and others with mental illnesses. I like people in general. I suffer from the delusion that I can make everyone my friend, but of course that isn’t possible: but I still believe that the world can be a better place.

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